Bright light
Being very tired from a long day of gardening, I realized I needed a break. Spotting a yellow bright light, I ran, ready to see what that light was. Racing through the woods and jumping over puddles, I saw a mysterious staircase leading to the unknown. Putting my foot on the first step, I raced to the top, taking in the delightful view of the fascinating ocean. Immediately, my eyes gazed at mountains of money just waiting for me to take it.
"Beep, beep, beep". Just then my alarm went, and in total shock, I realized it was all a dream.
I like your story but maybe add i in front of immediately but over all great story I like the twist.
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ReplyDeleteI really liked your story it's very interesting and good description language.
ReplyDeleteand you need a question mark after where.
Deleteand you need a question mark after where.
DeleteYou made a spelling mistake in your second sentence 'spoting' it should be 'spotting' You need a question mark after 'where' and you also need a comma in your second sentence after 'light' Good job on adding descriptive language, and I liked the plot twist at the end.
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ReplyDeleteI agree with Stitch, who has given you good feedback. I don't think you need the "really" in "ready to see what that light really was", because it makes it seem like you've seen it before. "Stepping foot on the first step" doesn't really make sense. Maybe you might want to say 'putting my foot on the first step' or something. When you say "Immediately, my eyes glazed at mountains of money" I think it might be better to say 'gazed'. Great story!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Cocopuff, you don't really need to have the word "really" in the sentence about running towards the light. As well as in fifth sentence I agree with Cocopuff that the word should be gazed not glazed. I do like the ending of your story and how the plot changes.
ReplyDeleteIn the begginging I think you should add more detail and how you got to the light. for example: Pushing through a bush, getting caught in a spider web... something like that. your story is very creative and I liked how it all ended up being a dream.
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