Darkness
Scared and surrounded with darkness, all I could hear was the roaring thunder. Soon after flashes of white lightning filled the night sky. Immediately, I looked for a candle to light the house, knowing it would not last me long. Finally lighting the candle, I stood by the light as the flame flickered and went out. Left in the obscure darkness, terrified, trying to fall a asleep, only know I would not sleep, not even rest my body.
How can you have clear darkness? Wouldn't it be obscure darkness? I think you could say "I looked for a candle..." instead of "I turned for a candle". Good job on your story!
ReplyDeleteInstead of 'will not last me long' it should be ' would not last me long' because it just sounds better. Also, it should be 'I would not sleep' instead of "I will not sleep" because it sounds better.I also agree with Cocopuff Good job using descriptive language. Nice story!
ReplyDeleteYour last sentence doesn't make a lot of sense to me. In your first sentence ur should be surrounded by darkness not with darkness. I liked all of the descriptive language you used through out your story. Other than that I liked your story!
ReplyDeleteYou don't need the "a" before "asleep".
ReplyDeleteI like the discription in your story but I think you need to have more of a problem to your story and make your story have more action. all you are telling us is that there is lightning and then you lit a candle then it went out. So maybe something bad happens or you leave us with a mystery.
ReplyDelete