Scared
The dead silence surrounded my room, as thunder roared through the night sky. Thoughts swam through my mind, as I raced to look out the window, showing off my orange striped pyjamas. Being terrified from the loud boom, I lay in my bed, with eyes glued at my clock. Immediately, I heard it again. Louder this time. In total shock, I raced to my parent's room and feeling the comfort of my mom's arm, I felt I was very safe. Only to know I would not be able to fall asleep anytime soon, because the thunder has been going for the whole night.
I don't think you need dark when you are describing silence. Don't confuse your tense. (Past tense, present tense) I think you mean that you lay in bed, not lied in bed, unless you are not telling the truth well being in your bed. Parents' would have an apostrophe. Don't forget you apostrophes. Your ending doesn't make sense. Work on it.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't you're eyes be glued on the clock instead of at it. Also you need a quotation in between mom and s.
ReplyDeleteIn his story I'm a little confused. I think that you should explain why you would fall asleep anytime soon. I think you should you should discribe your surrounding a little more and it would make the story more interesting. Great story!
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ReplyDeleteI agree with Rihanna, you should explain why you wouldn't fall asleep anytime soon. Also, in your last sentence you should replace the word 'will' with 'would' because it sounds better. Another things is, you said your eyes were glued at your clock. You should say your eyes were glued to your clock. Instead of 'lied in my bed' it should be 'laid in my bed' Good job using descriptive words but don't forget to include apostrophes.
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