Hockey Game
I was excited to attend my first professional hockey game, but my stomach growled with hunger. As I flew past the big crowd of people I raced to the closest concession stand. As I joined the queue, my mouth watered with the savory smell of French fries. Immediately, the sound in the arena grew loud, as a horn signaled that a goal has been scored. My hunger had made me miss the first goal, but I knew I would lose my spot in a heartbeat. "So much for having an amazing first game," I said to myself.
You need quotation marks around "So much for having an amazing first game," you also need a comma after game. I'm a little confused of whether you are a player or a spectator, and you might want to include that in your story. You need a comma after "Looking around" and a comma after "as I joined the queue" and another comma after "Immediately" you also need yet another comma after "to see the replay"
ReplyDeleteSo you have a couple of mistakes to fix, and you need to remember your commas.
I agree with cocopuff you still have to go back and edit the mistaxes you've made and use commas!
ReplyDeleteYou made some mistakes and DO NOT FORGET YOUR COMMAS.
ReplyDeleteYou have a great story and the ending made me laugh. I think you should read over the part about being anxious to go the washroom because it confuses me a little bit.
ReplyDelete