Fire
Fear was building inside of me as the orange and yellow flames surrounded me. Crowds of people gathered around my apartment as I handed my screaming baby to the heroic fire fighter . Smoke circled the air as the flame grew larger, like arms reaching out, ready to attack me. The fire fighter told me to remain calm, telling me to take his hand. Immediately, I felt safer as I took the mans hand and he led me outside. Tears began racing down my cheeks as I was overcome with emotion. My possessions were gone, but my baby and I were safe.
you need a comma before 'as the fire grew bigger like arms would grow out and attack me'
ReplyDeleteRight from the begging I was so engaged in your story! I love the way you were playing as the person in the story! I also love the words you used to make a picture in my head.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of your story is very strong and I liked the part about how you said the fire was ready to reach out and attack you. You had very strong and descriptive language and I don't really know what to fix on your story because it's really good.
ReplyDeletei really like your story very powerful laugwadge really good story
ReplyDeleteWow, what a descriptive story. I really like your line "Smoke circled the air as the flame grew larger, like arms reaching out, ready to attack me." as it really created a visual picture in my head as a read your descriptive words. Great job writing a strong beginning, middle and a powerful ending. It is evident that you have taken the time to edit and revise your story. Keep up the excellent writing.
ReplyDeleteOne for the showcase this week!
ReplyDeleteMrs Skinner