Behind the bedroom door
She heard it again, louder this time. Her heart stopped as her eyes were immediately glued to the bedroom door. The sound pierced her ears as she tried to remain calm. Her legs trembled as she raced to the bedroom door, grabbing hold of the door knob. Her palms were wet with sweat as she opened the door, frightened to see what was on the other side. As she was looking she was shocked to see a rat. In disbelief she raced to the couch, screaming. In the distance she heard laughter.
"Got you!" laughed her annoying brother, as he held out a plastic, squeaking toy rat.
"Got you!" laughed her annoying brother, as he held out a plastic, squeaking toy rat.
your story was great! I love how you discribe how she feels when she is frightend to see what is i the room. I think you shouls add a "!" after the little brother says got you! It makes it more enthusiastic.
ReplyDeleteI like how your story starts off really intense and then it has a twist in the end. You forgot to put the capitalize your title and you need to start a new line when someone is speaking. I think that the prompt is supposed to be included in the middle of a sentence from what the teacher had said. Great story!
ReplyDeleteI like your story all though you need to start a new line when someone is speaking and check for punctuation mistakes.
ReplyDeleteLots of descriptive language. I wonder if it too much and takes away from your story a bit. You are really focused on making sure every line has a descriptive word that it can cause the reader to get lost in the words. A balance is best. The last line is my favourite as you tell what the brother is doing but also have a descriptive word to keep it balanced. Well done on editing for punctuation and grammar. Keep on writing.
ReplyDeleteI like your story but it gets confusing
ReplyDelete